security blankets

we all have them. security blankets. those tangibles we wrap ourselves in lest the intangibles they represent dissipate if we let go. they are in our lives for safety, surety, protection, comfort. and oh do we cling to them. once a preschool student's mom forgot to send her blanket to school. nothing and i mean nothing i did or offered as a substitute calmed this child. until that blanket appeared hours later. go ahead, shake your head, titter, tsk tsk , all you want, but i know you have them too. i do.

one of mine is my book collection. oh they are not rare first-editions, some would call them 'the paperback novels the drugstore sells'. and they were, mostly romances, stories of times far away, when damsels were strong in themselves yet protected, cherished and loved. safe. and at the time i started devouring them , i wasn't . the collection was born in the midst of a failing second marriage when it seemed no matter what i did, said,didn't do, didn't say just didn't matter. nothing was right. and so i read, and read, and read some more. grown up fairy tales of flawed prince charmings and recovering - from - trauma cinderellas. i chose to live in these worlds where it all worked out in the end. she was safe and loved.

two decades later, in a frenzy of spring cleaning, i looked at those dust-covered novels. and said to myself, self doncha think it's time ? why are you hanging onto these ? there's no monetary value. no sentimental value. why ?

for a long silent moment i stared at the books, my books, my stories . the friends who had gotten me through the secret times when the skies were the darkest and there was no where to hide from the growing storms. one by one, i took them from the shelf. my finger tenderly traced each and every embossed title. i fanned the pages and memories came fluttering out. and... and... and i found i was okay with the memories now. they didn't hurt as much. { and geeze i couldn't even remember most plots or characters anymore. }

and so into the bags i piled them, one atop the other. letting go book by book of the hedge i had wrapped around myself.

they sit now, on the floor near the bookshelf, neatly stacked and tied up in bags for delivery to a used bookstore or even the curb. and i am peaceful. loving the empty space on the bookshelf. the neatness where there used to be mad clutter.

oh i kept a few choice selections. but i have real reasons for their keeping. like savannah by eugenia price. i fell in love with that grand ol lady of the south reading that book and years later was able to walk the very streets of the novel when my own flawed prince charming took me there. {of course it was sweetie}

i still have a half dozen bookshelves or so to go. and the process will continue. book by book. selectively choosing the keepers. not for the security they bring, but the smiles.

no, these are not my only security blankets. but they are the ones i chose to unwrap myself from today. and i am reveling in the freedom.

blessed be.