Anticipation

Unbelievable that it's been over four months since my last posting. Since then I have been hospitalized, recovered, sent my little darlings onto PreK4 in September, taken a vacation with Sweetie, and mostly spent my summer break pouring over preschool websites, setting up new units, activities, and projects. Whoever said that teachers get the summer off, is not a teacher.

And yes, it still all has to do with reinventing myself. This month it has taken me three times longer than normal to reassemble my classroom as I have essentially "torn it all down to build it back up." I have restructured existing centers and incorporated brand-new ones. My classroom library's organization now matches the thematic unit organization scheme. I have added a new area of curriculum, Morning Masterpieces, a child-directed time of expression using random art materials.

Students will timidly enter their new frontier in early September and I will be there to guide them through the wilderness of Exploration, Expression, and Experience. For the next ten months they will be my Treasures, Blessings, Angels. And I will inevitably finish out the year with a few more grey hairs -- there are "those days," ya know.

When Spring registrations began filtering into the school office, I quickly knicknamed this class, The Class of the Siblings. as I have previously taught several older brothers and sisters. But this is NOT their siblings preschool class. Oh some good old stand-bys will be found, but Teacher has reinvented herself, her program, and hopefully their experience.

After all, it is all about Them.

celebration or consolation

okay, so here's the thing... today i left my students for the first time in the care of a substitute teacher while i went to be moral support for a dear friend going through a messy marriage break up. when i wasn't clock watching, frettin over what my students might or might not be doing, i was busy supporting my friend as she prepared to give "embellished" testimony about the last years of the marriage's death convulsions. i had already planned to take her and another gal out to lunch or dinner depending on how long we were in court. not to worry, within 27 minutes the judge saw through the lies of the dog she's married to and decreed that his motion for marriage dissolution would not stand. so they are still married and now he must pay her health insurance, she has great need of this, and also will soon be coughing up spousal maintenance. so the three of us enjoyed a huge diner celebratory brunch.
the fact that she is still married to the dog is exactly what she wanted ; keeps him from being able to pursue a deeper relationship with his tart , as she so fondly refers to his reason for wanting a divorce, and enables her to keep health insurance while she takes her time to rebuild her world.
why am i choosing this circumstance to write about, you ask ? ah ha, cause she will tell you that i am her inspiration for settling this way. i am still married to um, well, never mind what i call him, let's just say that for more than a decade i have done what i wanted, when i wanted, with whom i wanted, and still have health insurance that i don't pay for. the only thing i can't do is remarry and excuse me, but after two strike outs who in their sane mind wants to try for number three. oh yes i did tell her there would be times when she would wish there were absolutely no ties to the dog but they come with more and more time between them as the months pass.
yuppers, i've come a long ways since leaving my "ex". i have allowed myself to pursue my interests, to put me first, to acknowledge that yes indeedy it's okay to be selfish. i value my independence. oh but it's not true full independence you chime in. and yes, that's true. but ya know, not worrying that what is okay today, is not tomorrow, not worrying about how many dinners will splatter the kitchen wall rather than be eaten, not worrying that there arent enough legit medications in the known world to get me through this marriage til death do us part... and the list goes on. oh there are still cloudy moments, reflex reactions to circumstances, and moth eaten baggage but all in all...leaving the known for the unknown was a wise, very wise move indeed those years ago. and in this day and age, if i have to keep the piece of paper that reminds me of one of the happiest worst days of my life, then so be it, cause i gots health insurance, baby. i gots health insurance.
and so for my friend i wish the same, that soon she processes and accepts that she is now on top of the mountain, controlling not only her destiny, but to a certain extent his also. that yes there is indeedy dry fertile land on the other side of the swamp. she's trudged through the deepest murkiest part, now she just has to wade slowly to shore, shake off the excess, and let the sunshine dry and warm her thoroughly, then she can get about the business of planting the seeds of a new life, a different life, a centered life.
yup, it'll be an adventure watching her reinvent herself.
oh and my students, well i am sure they did just fine without me and will have all kinds of stories for me when i see them tomorrow.

today's word is ...

...some days it seems to come at me from all directions, and all i can say is WHY. ...
that was my facebook status for this morning. a bit whiny, yes. self-pitying, absolutely. self-defeating, coulda been.

but i CHOSE not to let it be. had another long talk with myself. and said, self, what is wrong ? i dunno know, i whispered. self, why the tears ? i dunno know, i sobbed. self, whatcha gonna do about this funk ? i dunno know, i wailed.

what did i do ? i got my whiny self to the gym, quietly put myself through the circuit, not a knock em dead routine, but a satisfactory one. did some grocery shopping, went to lunch with sweetie, got the car inspected (yay, it passed !), purchased a book for my classroom, and then came home to catch up on facebook gossip.

well, that's no great deep philosophical answer, i hear you saying, sighing as you sip your favorite drink and pop another snack bite into your mouth. and i would say to you, you are absolutely right. but now, for the puzzle pieces hidden under the cover....

only a short bit of time ago, i would have said screw the gym -- it's not working anyway,-- i would have bought two candy bars at the grocery store, finished one before i got to the car and the other before i arrived home ten minutes later, -- i would have told sweetie to take himself to lunch, puh-leeze!,-- i would have ignored the expiring inspection sticker, -- and i would have crawled into the recliner, under my favorite comforter (oh oh could this be a -- security blanket -- ??) , and vegged in front of the blabblering tv all day.

today i faced Life, head on and said, i'm not taking this lying down. bring it on. i can so do whatever needs doing. and i'm glad i did. reflecting on the past hours, i am satisfied with the path i chose for today...

my frustration with the gym ? - obsession with the scale and still having the 80's instant - results mind - set. patience and perseverance are the key words here.

as for everything else being 'clear as mud' (as my high school french teacher used to say) every task i finished settled a bit of the debris. so now i am thinking a bit more clearly, feeling much less stressed, and ready to relax for the evening.

today's word: choice.

blessed be.

security blankets

we all have them. security blankets. those tangibles we wrap ourselves in lest the intangibles they represent dissipate if we let go. they are in our lives for safety, surety, protection, comfort. and oh do we cling to them. once a preschool student's mom forgot to send her blanket to school. nothing and i mean nothing i did or offered as a substitute calmed this child. until that blanket appeared hours later. go ahead, shake your head, titter, tsk tsk , all you want, but i know you have them too. i do.

one of mine is my book collection. oh they are not rare first-editions, some would call them 'the paperback novels the drugstore sells'. and they were, mostly romances, stories of times far away, when damsels were strong in themselves yet protected, cherished and loved. safe. and at the time i started devouring them , i wasn't . the collection was born in the midst of a failing second marriage when it seemed no matter what i did, said,didn't do, didn't say just didn't matter. nothing was right. and so i read, and read, and read some more. grown up fairy tales of flawed prince charmings and recovering - from - trauma cinderellas. i chose to live in these worlds where it all worked out in the end. she was safe and loved.

two decades later, in a frenzy of spring cleaning, i looked at those dust-covered novels. and said to myself, self doncha think it's time ? why are you hanging onto these ? there's no monetary value. no sentimental value. why ?

for a long silent moment i stared at the books, my books, my stories . the friends who had gotten me through the secret times when the skies were the darkest and there was no where to hide from the growing storms. one by one, i took them from the shelf. my finger tenderly traced each and every embossed title. i fanned the pages and memories came fluttering out. and... and... and i found i was okay with the memories now. they didn't hurt as much. { and geeze i couldn't even remember most plots or characters anymore. }

and so into the bags i piled them, one atop the other. letting go book by book of the hedge i had wrapped around myself.

they sit now, on the floor near the bookshelf, neatly stacked and tied up in bags for delivery to a used bookstore or even the curb. and i am peaceful. loving the empty space on the bookshelf. the neatness where there used to be mad clutter.

oh i kept a few choice selections. but i have real reasons for their keeping. like savannah by eugenia price. i fell in love with that grand ol lady of the south reading that book and years later was able to walk the very streets of the novel when my own flawed prince charming took me there. {of course it was sweetie}

i still have a half dozen bookshelves or so to go. and the process will continue. book by book. selectively choosing the keepers. not for the security they bring, but the smiles.

no, these are not my only security blankets. but they are the ones i chose to unwrap myself from today. and i am reveling in the freedom.

blessed be.

reinventing myself

friday april 2, 2010

in my last post i was all over springtime and reinventing...what a great subject for this blog. how my life is in the process of reinventing itself, no- make that how i am in the process of reinventing what i can, and that includes accepting what cannot be changed. but more on that at a later date.

relaxing this afternoon with a diet coke and an on demand premium channel, i discovered the sweet movie...julie and julia...now this is definately something sweetie [for those of who dont know, that's always how i refer to my significant other] didnt want to see, branding it a chick flick. chick flick ? perhaps. who am i to judge on chick flick vs. man movie...even i enjoy a good action man movie now and again. anyway, i digress.

while watching the movie, a stream of subjects zoomed through my brain at warp speed and i had to quickly capture them on paper, in the middle of a julie-meltdown...if you've seen the movie, you know what i'm talking about. i came up with a list of random topics.{teaching, facebook, exercise,writing- plus more} if i were to draw you a venn diagram of them , their intersecting area would be :reinventing:...and so it seems, this is the core of this journey.

and i start with the hardest, most obvious reinvention of me: on march 8th 2010 i paid for a year long gym membership. {me, yes me, who for almost half a century has pleaded a severe allergy to exercise, one that almost requires the ever present epi pen} oh not to one of those high falutin gyms where all the bodies already comee with 15% or less body fat and the trainers took the same teaching course as my army drill sergeants. oh no, i opted for a much gentler, much quieter, less judgemental, more independent gym, designed for women only. and the great thing is on my preview visit, they all looked like me. there is much comfort in similar body types all sweatin together. so how's it going ? glad you asked. it's been three weeks...oh does seem like longer. i haven't missed a workout, a great leap of self-discipline for me. oh sometimes, i might not make it on a "regular" day, but then i drag my butt to the gym the very next day. the only day i have missed so far was to attend a professional development workshop that will be a subject itself in the days to come. i have lost 5.75 lbs., can now run the length of the school playground with my students and not be winded, climbed three flights of stairs this past week without having to stop and pant or feel tired. when i do my post work out stretches, i now can reach my toes in certain positions and grab my ankles in others. small achievements, but we all learned to run by taking baby steps. i go three times a week, including one night after i get home from school. something i would never have thought i would do. altogether it takes me an hour, to drive there, work out , and drive home. three hours a week. all for me. and i'm loving it.it's almost zen like for me. stress level down, spine straighter, self-confidence and self-esteem way higher. oh, i have 11 months to go. stay tuned.

that's enough for this post...i can go on and on...but if you are like me, there's the tyranny of the urgent screaming in your face about now. and there is a secret to dealing with that, yes, i promise to whisper that secret in your ear one of these days.

my flip flops slapped away today as i freely went about my errands, jacketless. glorious !

blessed be.

hmmmm....

i've always wanted to be a blogger...okay not always...i don't mind taking risks, but blogging is a risk for someone as private as me. my handwritten journals are kept hidden, waiting for the day when i begin my next journey and those left behind can read them without embarrassment. and how many days will i actually blog, who knows. it just seems that after a half century of being in this lifetime i should have a thing or two to say that will aid someone, anger someone, annoy someone, amuse someone, ...i can't be bothered with caps and proper punctuation...not even in longhand,,,,too many rules and boxes...there are enough boxes built around my life by others that perhaps that is but my small rebellion at convention. i have the box of mother, friend, significant other, teacher, writer, and who knows what else people have imagined me to be.

i love spring,,,renewal, rebirth, reinventing,,,resurgence of creativity...realigning myself with the Powers. hence my spring altar is always one of my favorites. yule is very spiritual for me also. when i was deep into conventional christian systems i was aware on some level that the rituals we performed daily, weekly, annually, were much much older than the c.e. it took the death of two marriages in which i had lived by 'their' rules to empower me to seek out other Power, other Spirits. less demanding, perhaps more capricious, gentler, grander, ... an eclectic collection of all that is unseen, often unnoticed, yet ever powerful and moving among us. and to Them i offer thanks for who i am today, what drives me, what releases me to the place of rest.

willow's wanderings is not so much a recounting of physical journeys, though i am sure there will be some to write about, as it is an accounting of the Wheel's Turning, a journey from Mother to Crone, oh i prefer Wise Woman, but let posterity be the better judge of that statement.

this is a time of new beginnings, new adventures, new passions.

blessed be.